The risk of revelation
This week I sent several very rudimentary copies of my deck and "little white book" out into the world, to be seen and tested by others. This act was born of the realization that I actually had no idea whether this project was in fact doing anything I thought it was doing, whether it made any sense whatsoever, whether it was any good at all. I've been so close to it for so long... I was completely unable to evaluate it anymore.
But that awareness was a long way, psychologically, from sending my embryonic baby out into other peoples' hands! It took some inner convincing and a willingness to leap into the abyss -- and a practical concern that if I didn't allow this deck to be seen and used by other people soon, I might never find out about any serious flaws or errors and this whole thing might be for nothing.
So -- deep breath, and I pushed it out of the nest. And so far, the feedback I've gotten has been so much better than I expected, that I'm even more terrified now! The Controller is saying: "what? you let it go, you let other people look at it?!? What if they hate it, what if they think you're stupid and gullible?" The Critic is rearing its head: "now the pressure is on! Now you have to deliver! Now it has to be perfect!" And also vying for attention is the Impostor: "who do you think you are, this is an ancient system that you're messing with, who would even want to use this thing?"
That's where I am -- I know it's all part of the journey, and I'm trying to observe with compassion, rather than bow to the judgment of those harsh inner voices... with varying levels of success. But... the flow is still there, so I'm going to ride along with it as long as I can.